Ever since I lost my son
by astroanna
Summary: I always wondered how Iroh lost his son ever since that line in Siege of the North, Part 1...here's my take on how it happened...
1. Chapter 1

Iroh and Zuko stood side by side upon the warship's deck, looking out over the vast ocean. The sun had long ago set, and the full moon bathed the entire scene in a cold, diffuse, white light. At the age of fifteen, the young prince had already progressed into a formidable warrior under his uncle's tutelage. Iroh, one of the fire nation's most decorated generals and revered firebending masters, had begun to train not only his nephew but his son as well. It was not long before Iroh's only child, Zahani, came out to join the other two.

At the age of seventeen, Zahani was also learning firebending extremely quickly and was indeed his father's son. He was taller than Iroh, but had Iroh's piercing dark brown eyes, strong jaw, and love of ginseng tea. In addition, he had his father's calm strength and innate power in firebending. He was the pride and joy of his father's life.

"Good evening, my son," Iroh said, eyebrows raised, "what brings you out here this time of night?"

"Just wanted some fresh air." Zahani sighed in mock exasperation. "Still brooding, you two?" he said as he came to stand next to Zuko. Leaning his arms over the railing of the ship's deck, Zahani smiled as his father and cousin threw him identical, and completely ineffectual, looks of irritation.

"We're not brooding, we're preparing for what's to come," Zuko replied, his voice laced with a palpable annoyance.

"Woah, sorry cos, didn't mean to disturb the deep meditations of the fire nation's formidable future king," Zahani said, holding up his hands in mock surrender and chuckling. At the look on Zuko's face, however, he quickly stopped laughing. "Zuko," Zahani began, placing a hand on his younger cousin's shoulder, "I'm sure it won't be long before your father lets you come home." Zuko shook his head angrily.

"He'll never let me come home. Not until I have the Avatar." Zuko looked up into his older cousin's eyes, his voice hard and steady with quiet determination. "And I will capture him. I promise I will." Zahani exchanged a significant glance with his father, but merely nodded.

"So," he continued, "what can we expect in this battle tomorrow?"

"It will not be easy," said Iroh, making his way over to sit on one of the small benches set upon the ship's deck. "The earth benders are a bold and courageous people who defend their homeland fiercely. They will not give up without a massive resistance. We have our work cut out for us." Zuko and Zahani exchanged glances, then looked back at Iroh.

"We're ready, uncle," Zuko said, his golden eyes ablaze with resolve, with purpose.

"As always, father," Zahani agreed, nodding.

"Then let us get our rest," Iroh said, getting to his feet and looking at his nephew and son significantly. "A man needs his rest."

Author's note: I made up the name of Iroh's son, just so there's no confusion... : )


	2. Chapter 2

Zuko stood, like all the other soldiers around him, in full battle armor. Looking out at the faces of his fellow warriors, he could not help but wonder which of them would not survive the day. Zahani came to stand next to his cousin and he, too, was prepared for battle.

"Scared, little cousin?" he said, watching the battle preparations, but stealing a glance at the younger man nevertheless.

"A true warrior knows no fear," Zuko replied brazenly as he drew himself up to his full height and turned to look his cousin in the eyes. Zahani looked back at Zuko, shaking his head sadly.

"And who told you that, young prince?"

"My father," Zuko replied, and there was a distinct pride in his voice as he spoke. Zahani sighed.

"And you still believe all your father has ever taught you, Zuko?"

"My father is a great leader, Zahani, and the king of a great nation."

"Maybe," Zahani said, nodding, "but has he been a good father to you?" Zuko's eyes blazed with indignation, but only for a moment. Slowly, his eyes dropped to the ground, but he said nothing. "Listen to me, Zuko," Zahani said quietly, "you're at an age when you have to decide for yourself what to believe, and what to do with the power you have. You have great power, Zuko, and with time and training it will only grow. But what you do with that power is up to you. I'm going to tell you something my father told me once; 'What makes a good leader is not the lack of fear, but doing what is right in spite of it'." Zuko looked up at his cousin stubbornly.

"I'm not afraid," he said.

"Then you are a fool," Zahani replied, and there was no trace of levity in his voice.

"What?" Zuko exclaimed, and a burst of flame surrounded his hands reflexively. It was Zahani's turn to draw himself up to his full, and considerable, height.

"You heard me, little cousin," he said, his voice softening, "you are a fool if you deny that you are afraid. If you are afraid, then you lie to yourself and that is something a leader, a man, should never do. If you are truly not afraid," he continued, his eyes sweeping the warriors surrounding them, "then perhaps you do not understand what is at stake." Zuko simply stared at his cousin, at a complete loss for words. Zahani swept past Zuko to a group of older warriors where his father was standing.

"Excuse me for a moment," Iroh said to his men and he made his way over to his son.

"Is anything wrong, Zahani?"

"I hope I didn't interrupt, father…"

"Of course not," Iroh said, walking away from the group, Zahani walking alongside him.

"It's just…I worry about Zuko, father," the younger man said, "he is still very young and I don't know if he is ready for this." Iroh nodded.

"I understand your concerns, my son. Zuko has much to learn and is quick to anger. He is my brother's own and I sometimes fear what that means for him." Zahani was silent for a moment, then shook his head in frustration.

"I don't understand it, father. It just…" Zahani paused, seeming to choose his words carefully. "It doesn't make sense to me. I know he's your brother and the ruler of our nation but…how could he do that to his own son?"

"I don't know, Zahani," Iroh said sadly, looking at the younger man, "I've asked myself that countless times."

"What I can't understand is why he still wants his father's approval so badly after what happened." Iroh simply shrugged.

"He is fifteen, and wants to prove that he is worthy. To his father, and to himself." Zahani sighed.

"It's a good thing he has you, father." Iroh smiled.

"Why do you say that, my son?"

"Because," the young man replied, looking into his father's eyes, "you can show him what a father really is." The two men then embraced, briefly but fiercely.

"Come," Iroh said, "let's get back to the others. There is still a battle to fight."

Author's note: Wow, this story is kind of taking on a mind of it's own….I love it!  More to come soon, all…


	3. Chapter 3

The battle to take the earthbender city seemed to go on for ages, but finally it was over and the fire nation was one step closer to victory in the war. Most of the warriors were celebrating, but Iroh, Zahani, and Zuko found a quiet corner to sit and watch, simply grateful that they had all come out of the battle alive. For a long time the three men sat beneath the stars, sometimes talking, sometimes silent with contemplation. Suddenly, however, the sounds of laughter and revelry around them had slowly died away, and a tense silence fell over the entire camp.

"What's going on, uncle?" Zuko asked, unable to mask the concern in his voice.

"I do not know," Iroh replied, and it was clear that he was uneasy. Zahani was the first to notice what had brought about such an abrupt change in the men.

"My god," he breathed, and both his uncle and cousin turned to look at him. "It's him," he said, his voice strained, "it's Ozai." Iroh and Zuko both turned to where Zahani was staring. Standing amongst the makeshift tents and clearly nervous soldiers was the unmistakable figure of the fire lord. "What is he doing here, father?" Zahani asked, and the tension in his voice showed that he, too was nervous.

"I can't imagine," Iroh replied, but although his voice was perfectly calm, there was a shrewd, suspicious look in his eyes as he gazed at his brother.

Zahani stole a glance at his cousin. Zuko had remained silent, but Zahani noticed how the younger man had gone suddenly pale. Ozai turned towards the three men, noticing them for the first time. Slowly, each step carrying an unmistakable power, the fire lord made his way over to where his family stood.

"Iroh," intoned the fire lord, "it seems you have done well here. The battle is won, and you have gained the respect of your men." Iroh bowed deferentially.

"Thank you, my brother."

"And what have we here," Ozai went on, turning towards Zuko who, Zahani was impressed to see, was keeping his gaze level under the unyielding eye of his father. "My son," Ozai said, but the words held no affection; they were thrown at Zuko with the utmost derision. "I wonder, did you fight beside your uncle today, or did you run and hide, with the women and children?" Zuko was silent, for what possible response could he offer?

"He fought bravely, my lord," Zahani said, and although he addressed the fire lord properly, his tone held no respect. "I was proud to fight beside him."

"Well, at least he didn't embarrass himself," Ozai said, looking at Zuko with cold indifference. Courageously, and most probably foolishly, Zahani stepped between Zuko and Ozai.

"What do you have against him, anyway?" Zahani said, looking the fire lord in the eyes. "Zahani," Iroh said warningly, coming to stand beside the younger man. "This is not wise, my son," he said, so that only Zahani could hear him. Zahani looked at his father, but did not reply. Ozai stepped toward Zahani.

"Do you actually think that being my brother's child gives you the right to disrespect me in this fashion?" Zahani looked at Ozai for a long moment.

"I apologize." Ozai simply looked at Zahani coldly, then turned to leave. He was stopped in his tracts, however, by Zahani's voice. "But do you, my lord, think that being king of our nation gives you the right to treat your own son the way you have?" Ozai did not even turn around as he replied.

"I have no interest or need to explain myself to you."

"Of course not," Zahani said, "and I have no need of it. But Zuko does." Slowly, the fire lord turned back to look at his nephew. There was an icy, unreadable expression on his face that could mean nothing good.

"Zahani...don't. Just leave it alone," Zuko said quietly, speaking for the first time. Zahani turned to look at Zuko, confusion on his face as well as anger.

"Zuko," Zahani began, indignation on his cousin's behalf evident in his eyes and voice. Before he could say anything else, however, the fire lord had spoken once more.

"Your son has an impetuous tongue, Iroh," Ozai said, addressing his brother yet keeping his gaze on Zahani. Several long moments passed in silence as the two men looked at each other, Ozai seeming to measure Zahani with his cold gaze. "Perhaps an agni kai would temper it," he finally said slowly. Iroh's breath caught in his chest, but only for a moment.

"Ozai," he said softly, but there was no help for it, and no family bond that could supercede the ancient tradition of the agni kai.

"Well, boy?" Ozai said, ignoring his brother, "do you accept the challenge?" Zahani looked at his cousin for a moment, then looked back at his uncle. Taking a deep breath, Zahani spoke, his voice quiet yet determined.

"I do not wish to fight you, my lord. You are the king of our great nation and my father's brother. But if I must, I will." Ozai took a step toward Zahani and gazed at him for a moment, a strange expression on his face. Finally, though, he nodded.

"I consider the challenge accepted, then. In the clearing just inside the tree line of the forest at sunrise."

Zahani nodded. The fire lord then turned on his heel and left without another word.


	4. Chapter 4

"I believe you have acted impulsively, my son," Iroh said gravely, his face lined with concern, his tea left cold and ignored. Iroh, Zahani, and Zuko were in Iroh's tent, yet they could still hear the camp buzzing about fire lord Ozai's impromptu visit. Iroh's worry was evident, but Zuko had simply sat there, silent and pale, seemingly unable to pull himself out of his own thoughts. Zahani seemed to be the only one of the three who was keeping his composure.

"Perhaps," he replied, "but what else could I do? Do you really think Ozai would take no for an answer?" Iroh sighed.

"No, I suppose not."

"Do you have any idea what you've done?" came Zuko's voice softly. Iroh and Zahani both turned to look at the young man. "You've accepted the challenge of a man who has no familial ties, not in the arena anyway." Zuko looked up and locked eyes with Zahani. "You've walked into a fight you can't win, a fight that could cost you your life. And for what?"

Silence reigned for several long moments, but Zuko seemed to be losing control of his anger.

"ANSWER ME!"

"I did it for one simple reason, Zuko. An agni kai is more than just a challenge. It's a test of character and honor and I couldn't betray that. Not even for the fire lord." Zuko shook his head.

"I don't understand, Zahani. I don't understand at all." Before the older cousin could reply, Zuko stood up and stormed out of the tent.

Iroh sighed and shook his head, watching his son with an appraising eye.

"Zuko is right, you know. About the fire lord." Zahani nodded. He seemed suddenly weary.

"I know."

Iroh looked at his son, and waited for the younger man to meet his eyes.

"I know you better than anyone, Zahani. I know when you're holding something back. What was it that you were not saying to Zuko?" Zahani bowed his head, and when he spoke his voice was barely audible.

"I said yes to the fire lord's challenge for all the reasons I told Zuko. But I also did it because what happened to Zuko at the fire lord's hands was not fair. I think someone needs to stand up for him." Iroh simply stared at his son for a long moment.

"I do not know whether that is brave or incredibly foolish," he finally said.

"Father," Zahani went on, a note of pleading in his voice, "please don't tell Zuko what I've told you. The decision I made was mine, and mine alone, but I know him. He'll feel responsible somehow and that's a burden he shouldn't have to carry." Iroh nodded.

"I agree." Silence fell for several long moments before Iroh stood up.

"Come, Zahani. You need your rest for tomorrow."

The younger man nodded and, yawning, stood to join his father. Zahani then left his father's tent, but not before his father embraced him fiercely.

Author's note: Sorry this took so long, all…I'll try to get some more up soon!


	5. Chapter 5

Golden dawn light filtered through the expansive green canopy of trees above the small group gathered to witness the agni kai. Iroh stood, along with a group of soldiers, as his brother and his son stepped to either side of the clearing and knelt, facing away from each other. As was customary, each wore the traditional agni kai cape about their shoulders which, when they stood, would drop to the ground.

Once more Iroh glanced around the small group, looking for Zuko. The young prince had been adamant about not being able to watch his cousin and his father duel, but Iroh still held hope that Zuko would change his mind. Suddenly, however, the agni kai was set in motion. A small gong was struck, and Ozai and Zahani slowly stood and faced each other.

"Are you sure you want to go through with this?" Ozai asked, a condescending, disdainful tone in his voice.

"I am ready, my lord," Zahani replied, a calm control in his voice and body language that made Iroh's heart swell with pride despite the fear he felt for his son. After that, there was no more time for words.

Ozai struck with brutal force, but Iroh taught Zahani how to defend first and foremost. Zahani was compact, agile, and quick and he used all these strengths to their best advantage in every battle. For several long minutes, though it seemed like hours to Iroh, the battle went on and everyone watching was still and silent, as if in a trance. Then, although it was almost imperceptible, the smallest of openings was left in Ozai's defense. Whether it was his training, his youth, or simply dumb luck would be debated for a long time, but Zahani took advantage of Ozai's momentary lapse.

In the agni kai, once the victor has the kill point, it is up to him or her to decide if their opponent lives or dies. As Zahani stood over Ozai, the silence was so complete that every person there could hear their own heartbeat. Zahani took a small step back and extended a helping hand towards Ozai. The fire lord, however, ignored it and stood up savagely, his eyes blazing with rage. Zahani, as tradition dictated, bowed to Ozai but Ozai merely turned on his heel and made his way through the small group silently.

As Iroh watched his brother walk away he felt a chill crawl up his spine, though he could not explain, even to himself, why. He quickly pushed his anxiety aside, however, as his son was making his way towards him. As he embraced Zahani, however, he could not banish from his mind the look in his brother's eyes.

Author's note: OK, I know I'm no good at the battle scenes….sigh

More to come soon….


	6. Chapter 6

The morning after the duel, Iroh was making his way to his son's tent. He stopped for a moment, reveling in the brisk early fall breeze. He spotted Zuko sitting in front of his own tent, eyes closed and breathing carefully measured; he was meditating. Iroh was loath to interrupt his nephew's meditation, but before he could keep walking Zuko had addressed him.

"Hello, uncle," Zuko said quietly, still not opening his eyes. Iroh smiled.

"How did you know it was me?"

"Are you kidding?" Zuko replied, opening his eyes to throw his uncle an amused glance, "people on the other side of the earth kingdom could hear your footsteps." Iroh laughed jovially but Zuko's smile faded. "I'm sorry, uncle. For not coming yesterday. I just…didn't want to see anything happen to Zahani." Iroh nodded.

"I understand."

"Everyone's been talking about how well Zahani did. I'm really glad he didn't get hurt, uncle, but I still don't understand why he fought in the first place." Iroh looked at Zuko for a long moment, and knew that his son was right. Zuko wasn't ready to know what his son had told him. Shrugging nonchalantly, Iroh smiled at his nephew.

"Why don't you ask him yourself? I was on my way to speak with him." Zuko nodded, and got to his feet. The two made their way to Zahani's tent and Iroh opened its flap. The room seemed completely undisturbed, and Zahani lay on his bed, apparently asleep. In fact, the only thing that was unusual at all was the gaping, charred hole in the center of the young man's body. A hole that was obviously created by an incredibly powerful fire blast. Zahani had been murdered.

Despite the grief and horror flooding Iroh's mind, he somehow managed to hold onto his nephew as Zuko fell to his knees. For a long time Zuko simply clung to his uncle, shaking uncontrollably. Through the racking sobs, Zuko could only manage one question.

"Who could have done this, uncle?"

Iroh did not reply, yet the image of his brother's face from the day before, the rage and retribution in his eyes, rose in his mind once more.

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Almost two years had passed since Zahani's death. Zuko, with his uncle's help, continued searching for the Avatar. After the events at the North Pole, however, it did not seem they could continue. Zuko, however, remained as determined as ever. One day, unexpectedly, they received a visit from Azula, Zuko's sister, who explained that Ozai wanted Zuko home. Iroh was skeptical, but Zuko seemed thrilled at their good fortune.

"We're going home…after three long years. It's unbelievable!"

It was the night before they were to leave for the fire nation and Zuko was packing his bags. Iroh could hear the excitement in his nephew's voice and understood it, but he felt he needed to be the voice of reason.

"It is unbelievable. I have never known my brother to regret anything."

"Did you listen to Azula? Father realizes how important family is. He cares about me."

The words sent a pang through Iroh's heart, and as he turned to look at Zuko he remembered the day the young prince had been banished. Iroh remembered how young he had been and how alone he had seemed. He remembered his own son and how caring Zahani had been towards Zuko. He remembered how easy it had been to treat Zuko as a surrogate son when Zahani seemed to have taken him on as a surrogate brother.

"I care about you! And if Ozai wants you back, well, I think it may not be for the reasons you imagine."

"You don't know how my father feels about me. You don't know anything."

Iroh fought to suppress the pang of grief that welled within him at the rage in his nephew's voice. Once again Zahani's face appeared in his mind's eye but, as always, the image twisted itself into that awful day when he found his son's body. Almost speaking to himself Iroh replied to his incensed nephew.

"Zuko, I only meant that in our family, things are not always what they seem."

Author's note: Well, that's it…I had a lot of fun writing this, and I hope you all enjoyed it… : )


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